Friday, 11 April 2014

intuition or delusion?

a couple of weekends ago, I had a PT (private training) session with Jim from RAW. Jim is a great guy, with a lot of skills and experience in fighting and martial arts. He teaches reality-based self-defense (RBSD) amongst a host of other killer stuff. I've known him for a while, and have great respect and fondness for him, but have not attended his classes regularly due to my commitment to aikido and systema. Nonetheless, I bought a few PTs from him last year for charity, and have been spreading them out over a few months.

so the last PT I had with him was to be a bit of an 'assessment', as I thought it would be a good idea to have someone whom I respect, and yet who comes from a completely different paradigm, have a look at what I can--or can't--do in regard to martial application. long story short, the session turned out quite different to what I had in mind, and whilst I didn't quite get what I was hoping to, it raised some other equally as important thoughts and issues.

without going into too much detail, Jim obviously has his differences of opinion in regard to the applicability of my martial knowledge, and I appreciate his POV--and to some extent, I agree that if I were to actually get into a nasty situation, I may very well get clobbered to death with the little that I know. Nonetheless, after deep reflection, I still feel that aikido and systema--at least at this phase of my journey--is still the best vehicle for me. I can feel the palpable joy and 'rightness' when I attend my aikido and systema training, regardless of its application. well to be fair, I better clarify that this inner conflict is probably in relation to systema as I have stopped considered aikido (at least as they way I train it) to be martially applicable for a while now.

is this my intuition speaking? or is it simply self-delusion? i can see both points of views, yet i do not feel compelled to alter my course--or at least not to this other path as such. it has however, highlighted something else that i have been striving for now for some time in both arts. no, self-defense and fighting have never been the goal. it is something else, and after last week's focusing session, it has become crystal clear. too bad the path there isn't quite as simple to figure out.

Sunday, 6 April 2014


PD sessions can be really hit and miss. Most workshops can be just meh, whilst some are so terrible, that I can feel my soul retching inside me. Once in a blue moon, a gem appears--these are the ones that make it all worth while.

I have established over time that I distinctly do not enjoy lecture-based PD sessions, typically with slides after slides of bull. Actually, powerpoints slides are still at least one step above a presenter reading page after page of solid text. Zzzzz. No, what actually kicks ass is the experiential stuff. Those workshops that make you put yourself on the line, and do stuff. Things that don't only make you go, "hmm, yeah.. that make sense... i guess it could work", but instead go "holy fuck. shit. oh yeah." In a cruder way, it's the difference between someone describing to a virgin what sex is supposed to be like, as to simply giving them a blowjob.

And so yes, I've had the best blowjob ever last week. Well, metaphorically speaking. Not only did my mind get blown, my soul too. I was blown by away by cosmic winds into a senseless state of serenity. Yes, it was that good.

Now, to be fair, when I first tried uploading this post about the workshop on my mobile, the post was much more... modest. However, the damn thing crashed, so I had to re-write this again today, and I'm feeling a little more... direct. So yea, fuck it was good.

There was so much that I could talk on and on about from the workshop... Thing is, I know I won't write them all out here; some were too personal for a public blog, and I will generally lose the motivation to blog about them as the days roll by. So perhaps I'll just pick one very small aspect that is kosher.

Just for fun, I've always kept an eye for characters in movies or TV shows that I can identify as being similar to someone else or me. Of the top of my head, I remember identifying at least 4-5 different characters as having a similar feeling/taste to CP. With myself however, I have struggled but not been able to find m/any. There might be bits and pieces of someone that I could identify with, but for the most part, they are usually a bit of a stretch. After a while, I kinda gave up--thinking that perhaps I'm just blind to myself, and it would only be possible for a third-party to objectively compare and note the similarities.

Last week however, I finally found someone that ticked the boxes. At last I could now tell how others--particularly my clients--see and feel me as a therapist. It was a bit strange, but amusing. The workshop presenter spoke and thought in a manner that resonated deeply with my 'style'. Although there were some differences, and he was perhaps... more settled? certain? confident?... but, yeah, we matched for the most part. On the other hand, I could see why some would find it annoying or not to their taste. But overall, it felt alright to me. :)

Now I reckon this post would make very little sense to anyone but me at this point. The only thing I talked about is also fairly trivial in comparison to the insights that I got from the workshop. If it feels right, I might continue later--but I doubt I would. After all, I can't very well describe to you something that had to be experienced. *wink*

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

access biatches!

ah ha! i found a loop hole you IT biatches!

i have not been able to access my blog from work since they put up some new website filter a couple of years ago as my blog was somehow flagged as a multi-media streaming site (wtf?). i still can't access it, but i can apparently still get through the back-end to post stuff still. nice~

in other words, whilst i can't actually see what i've posted, i can still post them. that's a massive obstacle removed which has been keeping me from updating this blog.

you might see more of me from now again... yee haw!

Monday, 31 March 2014

a little of what i've been up to...

it just occurred to me that it's been AGES since i last posted something to my blog. bloody hell, i'm not even sure if it's worth it to maintain my domain name any more. oh well...

a lot has happened since i was last here, but the quickest and most fun thing i can post right now is a short youtube clip that i made a few weeks ago. ;) enjoy!

Sunday, 22 September 2013


Since I've started meditating regularly, I've noticed that a large chunk of it I actually just spend daydreaming.

As I do not hold a particularly religious, sectarian, or dogmatic approach to meditation, I just rotate amongst several different meditation practices regularly.

It just occurred to me that in between the cracks of focusing on whatever I'm supposed to be focusing on that day, I actually spend a lot of that time on various daydreams (mostly martial arts related)... it's actually quite pleasant.

Not sure of that's a major no-no, but it's working for me so far :)

Thursday, 22 August 2013

True meaning

"In writing this book I have often thought of the idea expressed by a semanticist, that the true, the genuine, the real meaning of a word can never be expressed in words, because the real meaning would be the thing itself. If one wishes to give such a real meaning he should put his hand over his mouth and point." --Carl Rogers

"When a wise man points at the moon,
the fool looks at the finger." --Chinese Proverb

Wednesday, 31 July 2013


i've been very sporadic with updating my blog since work blocked the site off, and as a consequence, my posts have appeared to lost its thematic flow. it feels like whoever finds my blog 20, 50, 200 years from now will see it as some sort of ancient apocryphal writing that begs to be confabulated.

anyway, the most recent thing i feel the urge to blog about is 'intention'. for some time now, i've read people with experience in 'internal arts' or 'nei jia' talk a lot of 'intention', called 'yi' in Chinese. it probably is the second most used terminology aside from 'qi'. in fact, 'yi' is said to 'lead qi'. long story short, it has always puzzled me what the heck these things meant, and more importantly, how i was meant to develop and use it in my martial arts.

reflecting upon it now, i can see that my first steps started when i first read about 'yi', which led me to seek it out--as obscure as it was. then i had my first taste of it during aikido practice a few years ago when i trained with someone who was studied with Bill Gleason, whom is a big proponent of internal power as i have blogged about previously.

the next big step, which led directly to where i am currently, came actually from an unexpected place--systema. in aikido, the 'yi' was mostly used in a defensive/reactive manner to an attack. in that regard, the 'yi' that i was utilising was very dependent on my partner's energy. in systema however, in the last few years whilst i was trying to learn how to do those heavy and deep punches, it finally clicked in me that i was simply learning to use 'yi' in an offensive manner, as well as being the one who initiated it. systema was the 'yang' to aikido's 'yin' if you will. come to think of it, my mini 'satori' moment arrived when i was lightly hit by Martin Wheeler several times at the recent seminar, and i could physically feel little directional 'waves' inside my body after he would hit me there.

since being more aware of my use of 'yi' in striking, i believe that i have started to feel more confident and 'clearer' about my use of 'yi' in aikido as well. what an unexpected cross-fertilisation! it's still relatively early days at the moment and i've got a long road before i can consistently and accurately use my 'yi' in either systema or aikido, but it's slowly, slowly become clearer...